Work with Dana:
Transformational Expert & Parenting Coach
Empowerment & Parent Education Classes
Transformational and Parenting Speaker
Parenting Philosophies
I teach many methods of parenting, so which one fits my own personal philosophy?
I believe that the primary basis of all relationships is to have unconditional love. We are creatures that require relationships for our survival. The fundamental aspect of being human is to have interactions with other human beings. Based on these basic principals it is important to develop the foundation of relationships as early as possible.
Dana’s Mission
To provide every family the opportunity to parent from a place of unconditional love allowing child and parent relationship to flourish, creating a positive sense of self and ending the illusion that children learn and respond best when parented through fear-driven methods.
Parenting Philosophies
I incorporate many methods of parenting in my trainings and working with families.
I believe that the primary basis of all relationships is to have unconditional love. We are creatures that require relationships for our survival. The fundamental aspect of being human is to have interactions with other human beings. Based on these basic principles of relationship development, it is important to build the foundation of relationship as early as possible. Without a basic foundation of relationship between child and adult, parenting techniques will not have the best impact of learning for the child.
In my experience, children have to have the basic sense of safety, security and trust within the relationship. Children thrive when they feel safe and secure. When the child’s environment provides a basic sense of safety, then trust between the adult and child will develop which leads the child to develop a feeling of security. The child trusts that the adult can keep them safe and in return the child’s behavior demonstrates this feeling of security. When children do not have a foundation of safety, trust and security, then their behavior will reflect those feelings.
In the past I believed that children have to have consequences to any inappropriate behavior they displayed. This was how they learned what was appropriate and what was not appropriate. If they did not learn this when they were young, then they would grow up to become adults that did not follow rules, had a sense of entitlement and were not responsible.
Through working with families and my own personal experience, I have developed a new view of the role of consequences in parenting.
I do believe that children learn through their experience, what is modeled to them, the expectations that the adult has and how we communicate to our children. When there is a safe and secure relationship with the Adult, the child will be more responsive to the requests of the adult. As care givers to the child, we model the behavior that we expect from the child. This requires that we practice making requests in a calm and respectful manner, void of emotional charge.
We respond to our children rather than react to our children. We connect with what the child is feeling and empathetically respond back to the child. This builds on a positive relationship even when there is a consequence to the behavior. This way the child feels heard by the parent although they may have experienced an unpleasant consequence. The connection between adult and child is positively maintained.
The child feels unconditional love from the parent, although they may be experiencing the negative consequences of their actions. We connect to how the child is feeling and validate their feelings. There may be times that we don’t understand why they are feeling a certain way but we validate what they are experiencing on an emotional/feeling level. Just the concept of being heard and validated increases the connection between adult and child. For example, our child has been riding their bike to school and we discover that they have consistently been late to their first class for the past two weeks.
Their behavior may be communicating to us that riding their bike to school is too much for them at this time. We validate what they may be feeling, overwhelmed with the responsibility to ride their bike to school and there on time. We then can provide an option of taking them to school until they are feeling better equipped to ride their bike to school (This appears as a consequence but how we deliver it, through empathy, love and validation, creates the sense of understanding). Although this may appear to be pampering or giving in to the child, it is meeting the child where they are on an emotional level.
Many children that I have worked with have experienced some level of trauma. It is not the intensity of the trauma experienced but the perception of fear experienced on an emotional level related to the trauma that impacts the child. This is especially true when the trauma is experienced in the first 5 years of life when the foundation of neuropath ways are developing. So many times parents will say my child has never had trauma, but upon further exploration, it is the perception of fear relate to an experience that defines a traumatic event. The child’s perception is their reality even it is a distorted perception.
By first meeting the child on the emotional level we are able to build on relationship and then we can work to influence our child on a cognitive (thinking) level. Our child is more receptive to learning when their emotional needs are met.
Although most parenting methods are filled with good intentions, the majority of them are fear driven in their methods, undermining the adult/ child relationship and the child’s sense of self. Many methods focus on consequences for all actions first, punishment and the child’s behavior is related to your approval. This undermines the adult/child’s relationship since it is tied to the child’s behavior. These methods also send the unspoken message to the child that “I’m not loveable or I’m not good. Children develop a subconscious foundation that love and approval is based off how they perform.
My philosophy is that we must go beyond the behavior to see that the child’s behavior is a form of communication to us about what is going on with the child internally. Most negative behavior is a response to being over stressed or overwhelmed. This is true of adults as much as children. Children are not skilled at processing or verbalizing their feelings well. Many times they have not learned how to deal with an overflow of feelings.
Our role as parents/teachers is to assist the child in building their emotional regulatory system and allowing them the space to become calm. Using reassurance, unconditional love and being an emotional presence assists the child in developing emotional intelligence and skills to cope when they are stressed or overwhelmed. By being a safe and secure place for your child, they are able to develop superior abilities to stay regulated and calm when situations arise that can be perceived as overwhelming.
As YOUR FAMILY WHISPERER, I provide the tools so you can transcend your fears and doubts into confidence, joy, happiness and abundance with in your family.
I will be covering more on how children learn, neuropath ways and how they are developed, teaching (disciplining) our children, and building strong relationships in future articles and blogs.
Today's Quote
"A dysfunctional relationship happens when you ignore, deny and repress any emotion (love or anger). If you will feel, express and release your emotions appropriately (love or anger) you can create a positive experience."
- Michaiel